There’s nothing like the adrenaline-filled thrill of a first kiss. While I’ve had more than my fair share, some of them were undeniably more memorable than others. Most of them were yummy and delicious and with the right guy -- tingly, sparkly and all the other things that make fireworks go off in your head. Then there are the rest. The kisses that were so poorly executed it made me wonder if the man in question had ever kissed a woman (or anything else, for that matter) before.
One slobbering fellow in particular comes to mind. On paper he was perfect: a 6'2" graphic designer with a blond faux-hawk who lived in my neighborhood. He was well-dressed, sweet and every bit the gentleman, holding open doors and thoughtfully planning out our dates. When he didn’t kiss me on the first date, I was bummed, since we had chemistry, but I chalked it up to shyness. On the second date, when he finally leaned in to kiss me, I felt myself suddenly become nervous. And not in a good way. It was as if my body subconsciously knew his performance would be less than stellar.
He basically shellacked my mouth with saliva. Not only that, but it was almost as though he was trying to eat my face. His mouth was open so wide, I felt like he was tyrannosaurus rex and I was his prey. He topped this off by strangely running his fingers up and down my face as though he were painting stripes on my cheeks. Perplexed, I wondered what exactly he was doing and if he was going to stop. There was zero skill, zero finesse and, on my part, zero fireworks.
Kissing should be hot, not something that repulses you more than roadkill squirrel. Kissing is the gateway to making a sexual connection. Women know after a single kiss whether they want to eventually have sex with you or not. So if you’re a bad kisser, you’re screwed. If you suspect you may be a bad kisser, it’s time to change your ways.
Problem #1: Your breath could burn someone’s eyes
I once had the misfortune of kissing a guy whose breath smelled like a cross between garlic bread and sautéed onions. Both delicious to eat, both disgusting to taste secondhand on someone’s breath. Besides being disgusting for sheer olfactory reasons, bad breath also suggests that you have poor hygiene habits. No woman wants to date a guy who can’t take care of himself. And according to a study by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Gordon Gallup, funky breath can also signal that you’re in poor health.
What to do
Besides the obvious, like brushing your teeth twice daily and seeing the dentist every six months, there are things you can do when you know you’re going to plant one on a lady. First off, stay hydrated. A shortage of fluids can lead to dry mouth, which causes bad breath. Says Dr. William DeVizio, a licensed dentist and the Colgate-Palmolive vice-president for dental clinical research, “Bacteria can colonize on your tongue, gums and cheeks, where they promote tooth decay and produce foul-smelling sulfur compounds.”
In addition, you can try a cinnamon-flavored gum. Researchers at the University of Chicago have found that cinnamon produces an antibacterial effect that kills bad breath more effectively than other flavors -- even mint.
Problem #2: Being too forceful
Save playing hockey for the ice. Excessive tongue or sucking can be a huge turnoff. You don’t want to be so forceful that she feels like you’re more thorough than her dentist or that her face is being vacuumed. Shoving your tongue down a woman’s throat without any finesse just makes it seem like you’re trying to enact some over-the-top soap-opera kiss. Plus, if you have scruff, you may very well give her rug burn on her face with all that forcefulness.
What to do:
Slow down, cowboy! Kiss her softly and gently, and let the momentum build rather than trying to force the passion to take over immediately. Suck her tongue or lips, but think less like a Dyson and more like sucking on a strawberry. Caress her hair or face (just don’t “paint” stripes on her cheek), and hold her tightly (not too tightly!) to increase the intensity.
Problem #3: You don’t know how to move your tongue
On the opposite end of the spectrum, some guys don’t move their tongue at all. Putting your tongue in her mouth and then leaving it there like a wet fish suggests that you may not be that into her. It also leaves a little something to be desired when it comes to that carnal connection. She may even question whether or not you’re capable of moving in the sack.
What to do:
A little enthusiasm goes a long way. Don’t be shy -- get into kissing her. Circle your tongue around hers, suck on it lightly, and keep your lips soft and relaxed. Let yourself go and think about enjoying the experience, and your tongue will naturally do the work.
Problem #4: You slobber like a dog
Excessive saliva is endearing in dogs and babies, but not in men. A little moisture is great, but it doesn’t take much more before she feels like she’s drowning in your spit. The male tendency toward too much saliva may be biological. According to research scientist and author of The Science of Kissing Sheril Kirshenbaum, men passtestosterone through their saliva to women. Why is that? Testosterone stimulates the clitoris, which in turn will make her hornier. Of course you want to get her horny, but you don’t want to overwhelm her.
What to do:
Drink a glass of water beforehand to wash down any surplus saliva. While you’re kissing her, be mindful of what you’re actually doing so you can keep your saliva in check. Try changing up the pace or pulling away briefly before going back for more. Or flick your tongue against hers in between sucking to slow down the spit train.
